If I say to you “don’t think of a black cat”, notice what happens. In some shape or form your mind had to make an association of what a black cat is to understand the sentence – maybe a quick image flashed into your mind of a black cat, or you thought of a black cat you knew, or maybe you thought about the superstition about black cats and ladders.
Even if you were not consciously aware of this it happened at a subconscious level because the processes that are involved in comprehension had to think about a black cat, even though I told you not to. Therefore the use of words like “don’t” are negated in terms of how the brain comprehends. In this instant “don’t” was filtered out and your mind obeyed the end of the sentence and thought of a black cat.
So if you are consciously telling yourself
“don’t eat chocolate” or “must not eat chocolate” you’ll be undermined by the
part of your mind that comprehends what it hears and the part that controls
your behaviours - because it is getting the instruction to “eat
chocolate”.
How about what you tell your kids (or your
partner!)? When the kids are carrying a
hot drink and you say “careful don’t spill it” – three things happen: firstly,
their brain filters out the “don’t”; secondly, they have to think about
spilling it to understand the sentence.
Both these factors are causing the brain to receive the instruction to
spill. And lastly, the part of their
brain (the amygdala) that perceives and interprets everything as either a
threat or being safe, detects a ‘caution/danger signal’ which automatically starts to activate the
“fight or flight” stress response, causing the heart beats faster and often
hands become shaky – not ideal when carrying a hot drink!
So how do we phrase things to produce more
effective results? You focus on what you
want to have happen, because remember the brain will filter out what you
“don’t” want. In the hot drink example,
by giving positive reinforcement and stating the desired outcome - what you
want to have happen - you dramatically
increase the likelihood of that drink being delivered without mishap. For example, you could say “you’re doing a
really good job as you carry that cup of tea slowly and steadily to me”
or “That’s it. Slowly carry that
cup. Good work”. Also, saying it in a calm yet authoritative
tone will avoid the amygdala perceiving the instruction as a ‘danger’ signal,
because if you say it anxiously their mind will pick up on it.
As a clinical Hypnotherapist I’ve learnt
specific techniques and ways to most effectively communicate in a way that the
subconscious mind understands. When
working with clients I help them focus on what they want and use hypnotic
techniques to facilitate this at a subconscious level – because when clients
want to overcome obstacles and create positive change it makes sense to work
with the part of the brain that controls our beliefs, behaviours, habits, fears
and even our physical sensations.
You too can apply this knowledge of how your
mind comprehends and uses language to influence the outcome. So whether you’re talking to someone else or
to yourself, to get the best results forget about what you don’t want, get
clear on what it is that you do want to have happen…. and communicate this.
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